a bit about me... My Pain!

21st June 2013:

i was a mess, i couldn't take it anymore so i need to tell somebody. somebody who would listen but not be affected like my family. somebody who would be a robot so i told my Facebook wall.....

" it was her birth day yesterday; June 21st n she was turning 12! OMG! i was gonna dance, hug her, kiss her, embrace her n hold her so tightly constantly telling her how much i love her n how much she means to me! she means the world to me! she is de most beautify gift i have ever gotten in my lyf n no one will ever bit dat no matter how much dey spent on a gift, its always gonna take second place in my heart. ya made my lyf complete, ya changed it lyk nothing wud, ya gave me happiness n ya showed me & taught me LOVE cos i saw it & felt it for the first tym in my lyf the very first moment i looked into yr eyes! they bared no pain, no fear, no judgement n no disappointment. they were so clear, so bright n beautiful n from dat moment on ya took me over n ya had my life right in the palm of yar hand! in my dreams, God was de foundation n ya the gravel level, right ontop of the foundation baby n from den on i would built this amazingly brilliant house with a pink & purple bedroom & bathroom somewhere upstairs just for you!! ya wonna knw smthin switheart? i cant dream no more. i cant cos ichtym i get to the level juz after i lay my foundation; it all comes down crushing n i can go on...not any more! Oh!! how wud i have knwn dat all my happiness was so short lived n hw wud i have ever thought that death could be so cruel, rusty n rotten to the xtremes of taking even the most UNDESERVING of its torment loneliness n darkness??? she still remains the most beautiful baby ever in the whole planet to me!! YOU ARE MY HEART SWEETHEART AND BECAUSE OF YOU I AM STILL ALIVE COS EACH HEART BEAT DAT I KICK, STRONG AS IT POUNDS; ITS ALL YOU; ONLY YOU MY LOVE!!I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF N BEYOND LOVE ITSELF and the reason that i can go on without you here is because i believe you KNOW that n you fell that! i love ya & i miss you but for as long as i live; i will never ever forget you n wat we had will never be OVER!! May Your Soul Rest In Peace switheart!!!! auswaka wa o rata!!"

then i thought i felt better but the again; am never better am i?? so; after endless dreams about her, i then gain wrote....

"i wish my life was a movie. in my fictional creations, i am god. i control everything; who is jerk, a saint and who is the most deserving. i decide the means n the end. i see the future, i know the past and i decide the present  somehow yesterday doesn't matter much cos at the end of the day, even if you were a moron; you know it is all FICTION, "action"- "cut"!! at the end ya all sit n celebrate, even if the ending was DEATH!! why cant i write my own life and make it HELL if dat's de only way to have it 'cause it wouldn't matter as long as I HAD HER IN IT??? 

i really; REALLY miss her and i wonna be able to move on so that she can rest in peace, (so they keep telling me) but how do you forget YOUR OWN HEART YET IT KEEPS BEATING SO STRONGLY INSIDE YOUR CHEST???? she is my heart n forgetting dat would mean death!! i love you Nnana & ama die loving you!! ‎#juzthinkingoutloud!"

everybody is got their pain and how they deal and some people to deal is to forget but for me to forget is to betray and i can do that to the only person that mean the world to me... never! so i look forward to better days & other days too. i carry her in my heart cause she is my pride and if i had to parade in her memory i would do it in a heart beat. her loss is my pain BUT SHE is the one thing that keeps me going so that PAIN i feel every day of my life, that pain that burns through me, i know its all because of how much i LOVE her and how much she MEANS to me and all that pain is the MEANS to my END which is POSITIVITY, SUCCESS and HAPPINESS even in this pain!!

use the negative energy you get from your anger, your pain, your misshaps and all the other S.... and channel it into positive energy for you to turn STONE into DIAMOND and MOUNTAIN into a FOUNTAIN and watch your whole life turn into PLATINUM!! i do it everyday. its no rocket science but its an everyday step-by-step typpa thing and i believe that eventually i am gonna get there....

it doesn't matter when or how you get to the finish line, what matters is DID YOU FINALLY GET THERE???..

this was just a little turn... but i know you may have a lot of questions from this, its ok; just ask and i will start from the beginning!

i love you ALL!! Mbwaa

By: Bone-Bav